I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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