Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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