Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
