I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
