My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
