Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
