"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
