stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
