Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
