so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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