why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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