Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
