you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it's not cheating when I paid for it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
