After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
