I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
