i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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