I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
