Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
