Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
