went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
