We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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