Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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