Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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