omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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