I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
