Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
