I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
