Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
