Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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