Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
