I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
