I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
