I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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