your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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