Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
