It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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