i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
