I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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