Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You are the jesus of drinking
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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