im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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