I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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