You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
