I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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