Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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