I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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