I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
