if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
