i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
