oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
