I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
