WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
